I wrote a movie pitch! Amazon Studios said no!
It seems very Eclectic Haberdashery-y to me, so here: my take on the Christmas movie. It's to Christmas movies what Anne Frank is to anal sex!
NO L
The core of Christmas as a concept is one of good
will toward your fellow man and peace on Earth. The traditional Christmas
narrative, however, tends to specify and heighten the magic of the day. These
supposed universal truths seem to only converge during Christmas, and people
only seem to make a special case for them during the Christmas season. In the
grand tradition of cynicism, our Christmas story will ultimately be about how
Christmas is just a boring, ordinary day. But in the grand tradition of humanity,
that only means every single day is the chance to reach out and improve the
life of your fellow man. The young cynic’s rejection of nihilism.
Sam Wilson is 22 and doing a whole bunch of nothing
with his life, besides pranking and flaunting a vague sense of pretentiousness.
It’s Christmas Eve, and the last thing he wants is to be around and take the
festivities that are making everyone a nervous wreck seriously. To him,
Christmas just seems like an excuse to become fussy and naggy the day right
after Thanksgiving. Being the unemployed slacker he is, it also feels like the
time he becomes the most insignificant to those around him: he has no gifts to
give.
Noel is the angel of Christmas, and is the most
insignificant angel in Heaven. As a man-made festival, Noel has no real true
and honest dominion over the Earth other than what he sees as a detriment. It
is his niche that has compromised morality for morality’s sake. Cynical enough
to feel like there’s a snowball’s chance in Hell of any improvement; Noel has
made the decision to high-tail it out of the reach of the higher powers and
live out his eternity in near-solitude.
Near, of course, because he needs at least some
sense of validation that he’s not crazy. Seeing that Sam Wilson feels exactly
like he does and is about as significant as he is, Noel secretly cloaks Sam in
an illusion where he lives in a world where he was never born. Once he
validates Sam’s beliefs, he hopes to travel with his new companion to the far
reaches of existence to escape the inherent hypocrisy of the universe. Sam,
meanwhile, gradually realizes the blank slate he’s been given and decides to
milk it for all it’s worth…at first.
Concerning tone, I feel like it’s important to play
things as genuinely as possible. The plot is still, to some extent, a riff and
extrapolation on and of the premise of IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. We don’t need to
wink at this, however. The audience is intelligent enough to notice without us
spelling it out to them. I also feel that being that self-referential ultimately
damages the integrity of the story we’re telling. Sam and Noel will be too
concerned with their own agendas to worry about any similarities to popular
culture.
“No L” is a heartwarmingly cynical, character based
comedy in the vein of Kevin Smith’s DOGMA and Drew Goddard’s CABIN IN THE WOODS,
with a dash of BILL AND TED’S BOGUS JOURNEY in act three. We feature a
protagonist who wafts in aimlessness and seek to create pathos and
understanding within his apathy. Sam’s journey, however, will enlighten him
about how much he impacts the people he loves and how celebrating his fellow
man can’t reasonably be restricted to a single day.
OUTLINE
We open on a suburban town that fully embodies the
Christmas spirit. Decorations, lights, joy. We focus on a single house, just as
decorated as the others. A voiceover
from a distraught woman sets our scene, as she frets about doing what for who
and who else. She needs to integrate herself into the town’s social caste. Inside
the house’s basement is SAM, sitting on a couch and poking away at his laptop
in a daze. His mother comes down and gives him some of his daily firm, but
exhaustedly encouraging, reminder to go and do something. It’s a new town and a
new life, after all, and he’s been here a full month. He rolls his eyes, but
goes about his way and decides to visit his new sort-of-girlfriend, RACHEL.
Once there, the two make small talk until Sam
notices a gift from what may not be a hopeless suitor. This escalates into an
argument, with Sam arguing less from jealousy and more from the fact he
couldn’t actually get her anything. It doesn’t help when Rachel mentions
attending a Christmas party where the suitor will be, though “It’s not like I’m
even gonna go.” This pokes holes in quite a few places, and thus the argument
ends with him leaving the apartment in a huff.
While walking through town, he catches his only,
recent friend VICTOR walking down the street and catches up to him. Some
friendly arm punchin’ and banter later, Victor reveals he can’t stick around
because of gift purchasing errands. An already frustrated Sam decides to blow
his friend off and retreat back to his basement. He watches some niche mid-90’s
sci fi or another as his malaise and uselessness slowly creeps upon him, and
the notion of disappearing puts him in a mixed placed. It’s neither appealing
nor upsetting, and that’s probably the worst thing of all.
Meanwhile, on a completely different plane of
reality, the angel known as Noel is forlorn. It is the only season that he, the
angel of Christmas, is useful. But time and time again, his only season of
relevancy just shows how little he affects the cosmos at large. He argues with
higher beings and it never makes a single dent. He has had it with the universe
and questions if anyone feels the same way he does. Noticing Sam, Noel decides
to break some choice rules and make himself manifest in Sam’s basement.
Sam’s first response, of course, is to pick up the
nearest object and smack Noel with it. The two have a round of slapstick
shenanigans before Noel displays his full glory. After more banter, Noel
promises Sam the truth of the universe.
Though skeptical, Sam agrees to see what Noel promises and the two
disappear in a massive flash.
“Make a noise and your organs will implode,” says
Noel as Sam witnesses the movers and shakers of the universe going about their
business in incomprehensible, esoteric geometry. Sam’s complete insignificance
cements. Noel, as per a scheme to justify himself, makes Sam an offer. “I’ll
make it so that you were never born. For once, your life can be yours.” Sam
shakes on it, and accepts. Noel sends
him back to Earth, now having never been there. “Merry Christmas.” When Sam
leaves, Noel ponders a minute and suddenly widens his eyes.
Sam lands back in what used to be his basement, but
of course none of his possessions remain. The fuss called by the landing brings
down the home’s new owner, whose intimidation goes perfectly with the
decorations of his military achievement displaying on the wall. Any attempted
smooth talking fails and Sam gets thrown out face first onto the streets. Sam
gets up and discovers that…nothing is all that different. At all. He even sees
Victor again, for the first time, in the exact same spot he saw him last. He
tries to assert his familiarity but fails, opting instead to try introducing
himself. “I live…” He points over to his home, but Victor is confused.
“That’s
not your house,” Victor protests, “That’s…”
As if on cue, a fancy car bellows “THE HOME OF THE
HOTTEST PARTY THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!” Pulling up is the most incomprehensibly
cool guy on the planet, TIBERIUS AGAMEMNON, with a less enthusiastic Rachel in
his passenger seat. With “mama and papa bear” intending to be out for the
night, Tiberius eagerly declares, “Feel free to come, Victor and clearly
homeless man.” Hugging his clearly troubled girlfriend, he drives on to pull in
at the home of his parents.
Victor looks at Sam, who is upset. “She’d never go
for a douchebag like that guy,” he says as Victor asks if he knows Rachel. “Not
important. To the Batcave.” He follows Victor on his shopping errand and uses a
combination of his and Victor’s money to trick himself out during a SHOPPING
MONTAGE. At the end, he looks super fly and is ready for a night of showing
what he’s worth.
At the party, Sam makes a big elaborate entrance
that overshadows the previous king Tiberius. The tone of the party changes as
he enters, and everyone wants a piece of the new guy. Sam even briefly sees
MATILDA, a nervous, mousey young woman whose planned party was overshadowed by
Tiberius’s. Everything from extravagant lies to weird stunts fill Sam’s
schedule. Meanwhile, as Tiberius is soundly defeated, he comes into contact
with his lady Rachel. He asks her what’s been bothering her and she, filled
with genuine love for him, says she needs to tell him something important. If
only she was able to get it out before the house caught on fire.
As the fire decimates the house, we’re treated to a
story relayed via flashback that shows Sam ill-fated attempt to show people his
supposed superb fire juggling skills. Tiberius calls for Sam’s head, and Sam
runs from the angry mob through the snow. Matilda gives him a hiding place as a
thank you for being the only person who paid attention to her. In desperation,
Sam uses this time to call for Noel. Noel appears, but is very confused. “How do you know who I am, human?”
Sam is astounded.
His eyes widen and he realizes: he was never born, so he never existed
to make the wish. As Noel begins to understand this logic, Tiberius, Rachel, and
Victor find them. Before they can say anything, Noel erases everyone present
from ever being born and then he suddenly doesn’t recognize them. Still
recognizing the strange boy who claimed to erase him, he realized it worked. He
glows and starts disappearing, preparing to ascend back to heaven. But Sam
grabs onto him, and the rest of the people grab onto Sam.
In the afterlife, the college agers are dropped onto
the gates of Hell. They are greeted by the poet VIRGIL, who is prepared to
guide them through their journey until Sam pushes him out of the way into a pit
of fire and charges the gates himself. After some chthonic spelunking, the
group stops Sam and he, under coercion, explains everything. If they don’t stop
whatever Noel’s trying to do, this could be the end. Unfortunately, they reach
the end of Hell and see the Cerberus which may just be THEIR end.
“Since this might be it…” Rachel begins, holding
Tiberius’s hand, “You are…were, going to be a dad.” Tiberius’s eyes widen and
he steals a sword from a passing demon. He enters battle with the Cerberus,
using the sword to pull the struggle in his favor and jab the beast in the
heart. As the monster stumbles, Tiberius gives everyone a thumbs up just before
he’s engulfed in one of the mouths as the Cerberus’s body falls into a firepit.
This, however, opens the path to Heaven and the grievers must move on.
They open to see a very different Heaven: a strange
fusion of the archetypal NORTH POLE and the standard vision of Heaven. Noel
sits on his throne as the now meaningless angels work around him as elves. The
four can’t believe what they’re seeing, and steal toys to arm themselves to
battle against the angel of Christmas.
The battle is absurd, but eventually boils down to
Sam and Noel swordfighting with toy LAWYER FRIENDLY LIGHTSABERS. The other
three clutch their particular toys, with Matilda trying to get a good aim with
her NERF GUN. Noel has Sam cornered and raises his hand. “If I erase you again,
it’ll be like you were never here!” Before he can finish the spell, however,
Matilda fires a shot that smacks Noel’s crotch. He instinctively covers the
area, realizing a bit too late that a mythic being like him has nothing there
worth protecting. His powers activate, and everything
reverts to Noel never being born.
Sam is sitting in his basement the exact moment Noel
first made contact with Sam, but he never comes. Sam celebrates by taking a
big, long nap. Days later, he shows up at his not-quite-girlfriend’s house
again. This time, bringing gifts and apologies-after Chrismas. Sam has learned
a valuable lesson: he is significant; all he has to do is give himself to the
world. He smiles and takes Rachel’s hand, saying there’s a party they should
get to as he texts Victor.
We see Matilda, technically for the first time,
cleaning up a load of decorations and party favors that were never used. She
sighs, taking things down before answering a knock on the door: It’s Sam,
Rachel, and Victor, all bearing gifts and food. Matilda smiles; someone
actually came to her party! As the four enjoy themselves, Sam mentions wanting
to try finding an old friend of his on Facebook name Tiberius. In Heaven, Noel
grumbles. As nobody recognizes him, he’s been reduced to becoming the janitor
of an endless, complex geometrical construct that makes up several layers of
Heaven. He plops down his mop. Merry frikkin’ Christmas.
