Decepticons: Warriors for... GOOD?!?

I think it's a safe assessment to say that we all love rocks. Rocks are awesome and they bring a calming presence to a chaotic nature. It's not hard to see why one might chose to live under one of these cold, unmoving, behemoths. Just ask my ex-wife. And yet, there comes a time when we must leve the wombly shelter of our rocks and venture outwards, into a world that progresses faster with every minute. it is our duty to welcome those who have been living under rocks into our new world, and help them adjust to such a chaotic frenzy.  I write this forward because only someone living under a rock for 30 years could have missed the true heroism of the Decepticons from the Transformers Franchise.

The metallic, scowling, face of heroism, fresh from cleaning his teeth of baby skin

Let us examine the opposing philosophies of Megatron and Optimus. Megatron believes that it is the duty of the Transformers race to expand their power across the universe and amass all the energon available. Now, this may at first seem villainous and greedy, but by breaking down his mission statement, we may reveal the true kindness in his actions.

First off, in nearly any incarnation of the Transformers franchise, the Cybertronians are said to be a dying race. One that has lived far past it's prime (or it's Optimus Prime! I'll show myself out) and is struggling for resources. The most valuable of resources for the Transformers is Energon. Energon is a storage form of potential energy, which is used by the cybertronians as fuel for themselves, their non-sentient machinery, and their weaponry. Because of it's energy storage capacity, energy is highly volatile and may recreate scenes from a Bruce Willis movie at any given moment. While the decepticons have managed to store energon in a safer cubic form, energon is can also be found naturally in a crystal form, though the abundant energy of this unstable form is damaging to an unprotected Cybertronian body. Another crucial aspect of Energon is that unlike many energies that we use like coal or oil, Energon is found, in it's richest state at least, in naturally occurring crystals. These crystals are not formed from the death of organisms or the collection of sunlight. They occur naturally throughout the universe.

Energon is also clean-burning, leaving no exhaust or residue. Energon is also incredibly dangerous to a planet's eco-system. If Energon crystals build up as they had on prehistoric earth, a single earthquake could ignite an explosion that could level a continent. When the Decepticons extract Energon from a planet or asteroid, they are the opposite of British Petroleum.  When these guys extract the natural resources of an area, they actively make it safer and more hospitable for those who live there.

M-M-Megatron?

So we now know that the Decepticons are saving their dying race by taking dangerous energy sources out of unstable areas that could potentially blow up an entire planet. Pretty heroic so far. But a hero from a 60's animated show would be nothing without his villain, Optimus Prime.

In the many years of the Transformers Franchise, Optimus has had a bit of a habit of kidnapping children. I'm not sure it's wise for a children's cartoon to tell their audience "Hey, if a deep voice comes from a truck and asks you to follow him and then kneels over you as the voice commands that you tell no one what has happened here, it means you met aliens!".  But rather than take the easy route and talk about peadophilia, let us instead examine why Optimus Prime is one of the worst warlords of animated history.

First off, he's a massive hypocrite. Optimus will take any given time to espouse the profound words of "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings". And you know what? That's a good moral there. Sort of like an alien robot Joseph Kant. And yet, he clearly doesn't believe it himself. Take the minicons of Transformers Armada. The minicons are sentient beings, just like all other Cybertronians. While they can transform into tools and weapons for the bigger comrades to use, they clearly have emotions and thoughts of their own. Yet Optimus treats them as nothing more than a weapons, a means to an end. Clearly his ideals of freedom no longer stand when slavery benefits him.

Pictured: The right of all sentient beings

He's also maliciously violent for someone who believes that the autonomous rights of a moral agent should be respected. If the actions of the Decepticons aren't taking away the freedom of earthlings, why does he care what they do? Again, Energon is both an incredibly potent energy storage that could help solve many problems on earth if properly harnessed, and a naturally occurring crystal that could bring about planetary destruction of not safely removed with the tools the Decepticons have. Optimus may want to act as a diplomat between earth and the Decpticons if he stood by his values, but instead he declares Megatron and his kind war-criminals and dispatch the Autobot army against them.

The Autobots themselves show a staggering disregard for earth in choosing their vehicle forms. A hot-red truck, a race car, a neon-yellow jellopy just to name a few are much more conspicuous than a pistol, a cassette player, and a variety of jets that can sore above human eyes. While Megatron and the Decepticons chose their modes with stealth in mind, Optimus could clearly not give less of a shit. This also means that while Starscream and other flying Decepticons can take their fight to the air, far away from civilians, most Autobots are relegated to fighting somewhere with well-paved roads. In choosing these forms, the Autobots directly involved the civilians of earth whereas the Decepticons wanted to avoid this. 

So you see, Megatron is the scavenging hero, looking for an energy source that will sustain his people while also helping other planets reach the technological heights of Cybertron, while Optimus is the cynical, ignorant warlord, who scoffs at the ideas of freedom. While one seeks to improve the lives of those touched by Cybertronians, the other seeks to bring them into their own civil war. Truly, we can all look back on this longstanding television empire and recognize the true heroism of Megatron and the Decepticons.

Well, some Decepticons at least.
(That's Starscream by the way)
(Because Japan)

Scooby Doo and the Case of the Tesla Society

While what follows may to some of you seem obvious, so obvious in fact that the obviousness rivals the obviousness of a rapist being in Lincoln Park, it has come to my attention that the world has forgotten the true meaning of a most daring form of 60s artwork. They have neglected and forgotten a piece of television that used the freedoms of a new medium to express it’s message of intellectual curiosity, freedom of drug culture, the true nature of capitalism and mental illness and the rise of Nietzsche's moral Superman. To the mouth-breathing luddites of the crowd who somehow managed to operate a computer, I hope even for you I don’t need to clarify that i speak of the peak of 60’s animation, Scooby Doo.

Nietzche's Superman

If this concept still escapes some of you, I’ll have to go back all the way to the start. The start comes from Nicola Tesla. I don’t imagine I have to go too far into the history of Tesla in a world where The Oatmeal and Cracked take turns lovingly tonguing the man’s balls every week, but of course, simplifying for those of you who think that “serial killer” was an X-Men action figure you got in a box of Froot Loops is why I started this piece in the first place. Tesla was a great scientist whose inventions and discoveries helped shape the world around us. He helped develop alternating current, the light bulb, radar systems, and a plethora of supervillain gadgetry. But despite his fascination with death-rays, and Earthquake machines, and taking over the entire tri-state area, Tesla was the not the villain of this story. No, that distinction belongs to mister Thomas Edison.

As shown here

While the smear campaign ran against Tesla is the stuff of legends, it is here that our own universe differentiates from the universe of Scooby Doo. For in the Scoobyverse, Tesla was a beloved public figure and even more influential than he is today. The United States used Tesla’s brain to supercharge the economy and he was honored as a national hero. The United States as well as other countries were now determined to breed a whole new generation of Teslas, with the thinking being “If one Tesla changed the world so much, what might 100 Teslas do?”.

99 out of 100 Teslas would do this

However, this plan was short-sighted to say the least. Tesla would help the US develop a positive eugenics school program, where the best and brightest of America’s youth were separated from society and trained in the disciplines of science, language and engineering in a strict environment. Tesla also believed that through proper education, some animals may even begin to become contributing members of our society, so the Tesla Schools had departments for the breeding and education of super-intelligent animals. While these individuals were seperated from society and focused on improving the world of tomorrow, the Great Depression was looming on the horrizon and many working-class citizens were worried about their job security. This worry was enhanced when the combined works of Marconi, Ford, and of course Tesla, began work on such startling inventions as advanced robots and cars that could travel from state to state on a single tank of gas. When the depression hit, many employers were already shifting towards these newer inventions to fulfil the work of their employees. While the segregated societies of the “New Teslas” were largely unaffected by this change, and indeed tried to solve the problem by autonomizing more of the work-force, the proletarians were furious. Politicians tried to incorporate the two societies together and for the short term, this worked.

When WWII struck there was an outrage against the New Teslas for their use of eugenics, and the wartime stress and hyperbole nearly lead to a civil war. Had it not been for FDR’s use of Tesla’s Death Ray as a measure of mutual destruction, the war would have lasted another 2 years and civil war would surely have developed within the united states. At the tail end of the 40s, just as the economy had begun to recover, Harry Trueman issued for the disruption of the Tesla schools and societies and that they be integrated into the coloquial American culture. At this point though, the United States had changed drastically. There were no longer towns or hamlets spread throughout the states. These small towns have become ghost towns in the passing time. There were simply big cities like Detroit, spread throughout where people had gathered to attach themselves to a stable society.

Though any universe that considers Detroit stable is just moments away from Armageddon

But some members of the socirties refused to integrate, believing that they could further help society from the outside. A few of these pocket societies could be found within driving distance of one of the mega-cities spread throughout the U.S. and they continued Tesla’s dream.

Fast forward 16 years from now to the year of 1964. A group of 5 friends from one such society have been born, raised, educated, and now sit before a television, watching a documentary in class about the American Ghost Towns. Curious about the culture of their country’s history, the gang prepares for an adventure through these Ghost towns to both learn about them and help any people that may still live there.

This group includes Velma, Daphne, Fred, Shaggy and Scooby Doo. The founding members of Mystery Incorporated. Having been a member of these schools, each of them is a natural sceptic, inquirer, and deeply interested in the truth. They all have a set of skills which they have refined through their studies. Aside from the specific traits that follow, all of them are fluent in Morse Code. Velma is an advanced speed-reader with a phenomenal memory and exceptional deduction skills. Fred is a gifted engineer, capable of constructing the most complex of traps from household items strewn about. He also has an innate gift for spacial awareness that helps him construct his traps, keep track of where everyone is once they separate, and tell where someone might be from far away without seeing them with great precision. Daphne is the most socially competent of the group and her interest in people has helped them find the motives of those they investigate. Her social skills are a vital part of navigating the ghost towns that are for the most part hostile to the job-stealing Teslas. Shaggy is a trained ventriloquist whose skills, coupled with Fred’s spacial reasoning have helped them lead many baddies into traps. His showmanship skills and his throat control help him blend in and disguise himself and the others, valuable assets for escape. Scooby is a dog who speaks. Need I say more?

The philosophies of their upbringing and the history of their culture are well reflected within the Scooby Doo TV show. The problem is always caused by a person, most frequently a person out of work looking to get rich. Whether they be an ostracized Tesla or a proletarian outraged at the former, these formidable people are driven to a life of crime by the circumstances that surround them. There is never a side of the paranormal to the mystery, incorporating Tesla’s belief that all nature is a reasonable machine and that anything we perceive as paranormal can be explained by the analysis of our mechanical universe given the tools we have. The science of the world is very advanced, with many robots, fuel efficient vans that never seem to run out of fuel, and many advanced electronics and radio inventions. None of the main cast seem to be able to lead a normal conversation. Daphne comes the closest, but for the most part their conversations with those outside their circle consist of fear and exposition. Could this be a reflection of their own difficulty with human emotions?

And incase your mouth-breathing ways fogged up your computer screen as you were reading the earlier paragraphs, let me sum it up for you here once again. Mystery Incorporated is comprised of 5 friends who were raised in a eugenic society and educated to be the brightest of minds, however they lacked many social interactions growing up. They travel the fly-over states searching for ghost towns to help out. They bring reason to the superstitious and leave a prosperous wake in their path as they do so. Champions of reason, courage, and integrity, the Scooby gang are the moral cream of the crop after decades of breeding and education deemed to produce such. So who might you say is the greatest hero of television? Scooby Dooby DOOOOOOOOO!

We also accept Ultraman as an answer