Resurrection of the Brotherhood

No, this isn't some super elaborate April Fool's Day prank where we promise you amazing things like the return of this site and then crush your dreams by never updating again. Unlike that time my parents promised me love and affection, this is real! On a side note, here's my shoutout to Hobo Billy for keeping me safe and helping me get back on my feet over the past month after my parents may or may not have thrown me into the middle of Baltimore!

A face forged by meth and a heart forged of gold.

To celebrate our return and it coinciding with Easter, we thought it appropriate to analyze a work that epitomizes the ancient archetype of the resurrection myth. The resurrection story has been refitted throughout the history of civilization and dates back at least, like 37 years. Maybe even more, who knows? The basic skeleton of the story is the deity or hero goes through the dark reaches of the Underworld and returns to the world of the living, having completed his quest. It's seen in The Epic of Gilgamesh, the trials of Hercules, Zombie Jesus, and the Jonas Brothers.

Hero, deity, teenage heartthrobs, or all of the above?

In their 2006 single Year 3000, the Jonas Brothers look at their disappearance and emergence from the depths of Hades. It starts out simple enough...

One day when I came home at lunchtime,

I heard a funny noise.

Went out to the back yard to find out if it was,

One of those rowdy boys.

You see, the Jonas Brothers want to make sure we're aware of their humanity. Far from being the distantly omnipotent god figures, they have a soft side that we can all relate to. They have to eat! They go through normal bodily processes like hunger and pooping and all! Just look at them. For God's sake, they're so like us that maybe, just maybe, it's possible that one day I can kidnap one for myself and make him love me.

YOU WILL BE MINE KEVIN!!!

And now back to the less kidnap-y filled part of our program. The boys soon find out that the sound is not being made by some rowdy boys, but instead it is their neighbor that has jury rigged a time machine out of his couch. SCIENCE! The neighbor convinces them to travel to the Year 3000, and since the Jonas Brothers never learned stranger danger and how to avoid being raped, they jump into this weird man's couch hoping to go on some mysterious adventure.

This is where the myth really starts. You see, the Year 3000 is the Underworld. The boys have died, at least in the metaphorical sense, by leaving their world behind to venture in an unknown world. Here, they must face the trials that come with going through such a dangerous world. 

I've been to the year 3000

Not much has changed but they lived under water.

And your great great great grand daughter,

Is doing fine 

The first trial they face is thusly explained. They must first become aware of their situation. Upon arrival they are doubtful of the success of their Rape Neighbor's time machine, noticing that nothing really seems different. It is only the cue that the inhabitants are living a life full of sin, or "living underwater," that cues them off. What a terrible land indeed, to see that their one of their family has descended into the evils of the world! If only she had kept on her purity ring like all the Jonas Brothers had!

Pictured: More effective than any jewelry

The next trial to face is the temptation that the Underworld faces them...

I took a trip to the year 3000.

This song had gone multi-platinum.

Everybody bought our 7th album.

It had outsold Kelly Clarkson.

The representation of greed and want appears, telling the boys that if they give up on their quest they will be dutifully rewarded with all their hearts desire, which is apparently to fulfill their vendetta against Kelly Clarkson. Because screw you, Kelly Clarkson. The boys, being pure of heart and full of strength, are able to shoot down the offer of being as popular as Guns N Roses' Use Your Illusion I and continue on their quest through the depths of Hades. 

Eventually, after making sure they tell us as many times as the can that they are in the Year 3000, the boys are able to return to the light. Though the details are absent, it must be assumed that they ended up fighting and destroying the evil Kelly Clarkson by thrusting a dagger through her heart.

Steve Carell, wounded after his fight with Kelly Clarkson

So the boys have returned to us, full of the knowledge of the Underworld and able to keep us from being led astray. For it is in their names that we give thanks and celebrate this Easter Break, for without them we would fall victim to the evils of Kelly Clarkson and premarital sex. Come, let us listen to the hymns of our people as we remember their struggles.

In the name of the Joe, the Nick, and the Holy Kevin,

Amen.