Something Nice

Originally, a lengthy vitriolic article worthy of internet insanity (of the simultaneously best and worst kind) was posted here. But in light of the universe being an unstable place, I have opted to switch that for something else. It will have its time and place.

Enjoy, haberdashers, something I think far more necessary in light of our current climate:

.

Anime is Satan

In high school, I had aspirations of being a stand up comedian. I even did a set at my school and got a great reaction. I love many comedians and though not all of them are iconic, many of them are superb. Kyle Cease, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt, etc. That specific brand. It's a great brand. It's all great funny.

But of all the comedians I love, I love none moreso than the troupe known as Stella.

The Stella comedy troupe produced the eponymous Stella television series, based on the Stella Shorts they would play at their shows. I will say, with no reservations, that Stella is the greatest television comedy to ever air. Cancelled after its measly ten episode first season, its brilliance makes it somewhat like a much less famous, comedy version of Firefly: a show murdered before its time and loved dearly by those who saw it. I saw Stella back in high school, cherishing the TV Guide preview DVD containing the pilot episode (a different cut from the aired pilot, no less! Losing that disc is one of my biggest regrets in nerd life) like it was a holy scripture, even going so far to peddle it to my math teacher at the time. I may've rarely understood what he talked about, but we at least understood one thing: the comedy stylings of Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, and David Wain were in a league of their own. Whether you loved it or hated it, it was unlike anything that had come before or after.

And part of what makes Stella brilliant is its incredibly eclectic diversity in both comedy and comedic disciplines. The show would ebb and flow from sophomoric fart noises to precision literary references. Absurdist plots that always had their own underlying logic to them. If you tell the guys they're not qualified to clean up donkey poop, they will outdo you at your workplace and impress your boss with skills beyond his expectations not only so they got your job but so you'd know they're good enough to clean up donkey poop specifically. A world where fake mustaches are always effective disguises. Where running gags aren't just gags, but are actually jokes based on the recurring importance of actual character traits. And, of course, a world where a suit is the perfect set of clothes for any occasion.

Stella has had many derivative products (Wainy Days, Michael and Michael Have Issues, and the recent You're Whole). All of them are fantastic in their own right, but none of them truly hold a candle to Stella. It is, by far, how I see comedy. It's not just a collection of jokes, it is a series of jokes told via narrative all told to their specific styles. Stella is a precisely honed, multi-disciplined comedy series and I never get tired of it. If Gargoyles is the show that I can point to to express why I truly love cartoons, Stella is the show I can point to to express why I love comedy. It is pure laughter intelligently composed, and laughter is the best medicine.

WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF FUCKING AIDS

I've sat here for ten goddamn minutes.
There's no witty caption. I just fucking hate this.

I thought it was only proper that, since I skimped out on observing the Hellscape that is anime for a while, that I should step back in for a moment and punish myself. Since another contributor to this site suggested Rock Lee and his Ninja Pals, I have concluded that he is an anti-Semite.

Without further adieu, let's dive in to:

Rock Lee and His Ninja Pals, or the Justification of Homicide

Spin offs are a tricky business. In general, a character needs to be able to sustain his own story. This sounds obvious, but it clearly fucking isn't. Sarah Jane Smith has three spin offs to her name, all with distinct premises and all of them capable of producing a large amount of stories about her different life stages. Angel, the vampire with a soul, was perfect spin off fodder because of how larger than life he was. He simply couldn't FIT on the same show with Buffy after a certain point. It's not that he didn't fit, he just metaphysically COULDN'T. Though not long lasting, Joey Tribbiani was given a spin off because he had the most room to grow out of all the Friends. Frasier Crane had a potent life beyond the bar. Etc.

On paper, Rock Lee probably has more spin off potential than most other characters. Unlike the others, he possesses no ninja powers and thus can sustain a unique premise independent of Naruto Uzumaki. His challenges are distinct and to craft a cast around Rock Lee, not to mention many nemeses for his adventures, would give you a truly interesting series. Even if slanted as a comedy, which is just as difficult as and can be just as potent as drama, Rock Lee is probably the major choice for his own series. He has far more to do, independent of the rest of the Naruto world, than any other character. Not to mention that the classically inept protagonist is always fertile ground for comedy. There's no way this could truly go wrong.

Except it's fucking Naruto so it's so possible it was guaranteed, which is why reading the first chapter of the manga on a lark was genuinely painful. Though it didn't stop there given the internet's suggestion and I must say: I only finished one episode.  I would not sit through even three hours of this shit even if you paid me. What the fucking shit? I really don't want to bring myself to That Guy With The Glasses level of vitriol but what the fucking shit? This is the worst Japanese kid's comedy I've seen since Go-Onger (meaning I am of the rare percentile that both writes on a blog, has watched Go-Onger, but has not been killed by people superior to myself). It's not even comedy. Even basic structural problems damn it.

But before I get into anything else, is there something about Naruto continuity I don't totally understand? Granted, I haven't seen Shippuden and it's clearly based in the Shippuden portion of the series but...why the fuck isn't Neji an asshole? I remember Neji being an asshole. Did the jump to Shippuden make him not douchey? Because you're gonna tell me with a straight face that you have a ridiculously inept protagonist and you're not going to make one of his supporting characters a foil? YOU HAVE AN ELITIST PRODIGY IN YOUR FUCKING CAST. Also, maybe it's just me, but I don't remember Tenten being important at all or having any personality. You'd think you'd want a spin off to expand it, but it turns out Tenten is the most insufferable character in this massive piece of shit.

And speaking of,

Well that's...honest.

There's this recurring joke in the first short about how like, there's poop. AND RUH ROOH ROCK LEE'S GONNA TRIIIIP.

Let's back up.

Consistency is an important element of comedy. Not running gags per se, but consistency. Like drama, a comedic story must have a world that is well built and makes sense. Even if your world is absurd, it must be absurd in a consistent way. The only consistent structuring in this stupid thing is the fact that there is POOOOOOOPY and Rock Lee trips over it all the time (and the last time, he ends up depantsing a lady! COMEDY.) The logic of the world of Stella or Heat Vision and Jack is dubious, but it IS logic. It presents itself a boundary. Jokes are funny within a specific context. You tell jokes that're relevant to the situation. If you're a stand up comedian, you use storytelling to CREATE the situation. If you're writing a story, you tell jokes within the frames of the narrative.

And this is key: you need a proper dynamic. Jokes need to bounce off of something to be funny. The key to narrative comedy comes in the form of the archetypal Straight Man. The joke is always on the Straight Man. The Straight Man is there to ground your entire story into some form of reality that can be warped by the other principal character (or characters). People like to think the Straight Man just thinks everyone is dumb or they're the only intelligent person in the room. That CAN be true, but is not always true nor is it the most important part. Say it with me, class: the Straight Man grounds the situation into reality. Nothing taught me this lesson better than the many sketch comedies I watched growing up when I was far too young to watch them. Saturday Night Live, Kids in the Hall, Mr. Show with Bob and David, take your pick. Many sketches begin in a normal environment destined to be destroyed by the central hook or gag.

The Straight Man exists to have his life disrupted. He exists as a point of reference. He is context. Tenten, by contrast, is a stupid fucking bitch.

My favorite attempt at making Tenten effective probably comes from the first short. When they're enjoying tea with the girl they're trying to protect, Tenten questions the absurdity of their own world by wondering if they even HAVE electricity or TV! Moments later, the protectorate rejects Rock Lee's romantic advances because "This isn't some sort of sappy romance drama!" Just so we're clear on what I'm bitching about: the show makes a point to express its self-titled Straight Man having doubts about the existence of electricity only for this to be confirmed just a few lines later. Your entire basis in reality has no grasp on reality.

And before one of you tries to be an intelligent jackass (you're not), no, this isn't the basis of a joke. Tenten literally just exists to arbitrarily question things while also get really meta and comment on the fact she's a Straight Man. She literally has no other personality beyond thinking things are stupid. Things she doesn't understand; not out of irony, but out of terrible scripting.

SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH YOU BUTTSLUTTY JUNKWHORE.

I can't describe how much I hate Tenten. She is like the Abridged-style of writing condensed into a single character. Someone who took an incredibly basic format that EVERYONE knows the bullshit behind and proceeded to structure an entire sequence of jokes around shit PEOPLE ALREADY KNOW. Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged is slack-jawed laziness composed out of explaining to you a character's narrative function and thus a story must proceed as such.

I FUCKING HATE META-HUMOR. I fucking hate this bullshit where people will take the most basic fucking fictional things and shatter every conceit within said fiction and then the entire joke is that they shattered them. No real comment on the shattering. Just "LOOK GUYS, I'M ACKNOWLEDGING THAT CARTOONS AREN'T REAL." Everyone who likes Abridged Humor can eat my fucking cock. You're the reason this shit is passable. You're the fucking reason Tenten, an abortion of everything that could be considered good at any conceivable point in time, is able to bitch that fantasies IN AN ABSURDIST COMEDY, WHEN SHE DOESN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE BASIC ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF CIVLIZATION, aren't "in-universe." Congrats, your bullshit love of nerdisms has now transcended into actual published fiction and it's just as fucking terrible as when you did it on TV Tropes or Tumblr or whatever fucking stupid site you get your ass licked on. There is no value in EXPLAINING OR BEING SKEPTICAL OF BASIC FUCKING THINGS. Most meta-humor is just standing up and saying "LIES AREN'T TRUE."

I truly hate this character. There's a scene where

IMMA RENEGADE SO FUCK THE LEAF VILLAGE.

And Tenten has to point out that it's absurd Rock Lee is in a bikini. Neji then asks him how long he's worn said bikini. Tenten then just becomes FLABBERGHASTED that THAT'S the question on Neji's mind. Really?! You want to know that, Neji? You want to know the SAME FUCKING THING TENTEN DOES?

I HATE THIS FUCKING WHORE.

I couldn't believe it. Really. Your script is so fucking terrible that your arbitrary Straight Man questions someone questioning the exact thing she just questioned with no hint of irony. This is bad. All bad. Nothing has any frame of reference so it's like a small child repeatedly shouting at you. It's that RANDOM XD shit that festers amateur bullshit that gain so much following. This is every Abridged series ever.

When the world finishes bathing in fire, it will be the face of Rock Lee in his gorgeous bikini that will sing the song to end the Earth.

We will soon return to our regularly scheduled hard hitting, in depth analysis of our greater cultures. But sometimes, there is a need for catharsis.

A Television Pitch I Wrote This One Time

SHAOLIN SOJOURNERS

By

ImmaDeker

PREMISE

SHAOLIN SOJOURNERS follow two warriors, the cursed lone wolf KREED and the star pupil of the Fenghueng Shaolin Temple, STUART, as they go on a journey to find their destinies. Kreed must battle Stuart to lift the demonic curse that has befallen him, but Stuart is less interested in Kreed and more consumed by his mandatory journey to seek the king of the Shaolin world, SHAOLIN SHOOBADOO. If Kreed wants to battle, Stuart must first prove his worth to the Shaolin King.

SUMMARY

Shaolin Sojourners is a half hour comedy series that serves as an affectionate parody of American tokusatsu adaptations such as POWER RANGERS, VR TROOPERS, and KAMEN RIDER DRAGON KNIGHT. Kreed and Stuart take a quest across a strange America resembling live action kid’s television from the 1990’s, with each week providing a whole new world and adventure.

The series, being a take on the adaptation of Japanese footage, will actually feel like a hybrid of several different shows (none of which actually exist). Kreed and Stuart both have superhero forms stolen directly from foreign kid’s television that will either manifest in faked Japanese stock footage or faked American footage (which will require separate, noticeably terrible costumes). The shows they’re derived from are, of course, completely fictitious and made specifically for our program.

There is no overarching story between episodes, though running gags and bits of characterization will develop, grow, and change. Our pilot episode will feature two different monsters, but a normal episode will only really feature one. Some monsters may recur in various ways, because this show would probably fuck a budget up the ass.

CHARACTERS

KREED- Kreed is a warrior forever cursed to wander the Earth in search of a powerful adversary. He is very no-nonsense, never relenting in his stoic mannerisms and desire to battle. He’s less a hero and more of a fighter and he sees each new enemy as an obstacle more than something he is morally obligated to defeat. He takes everything in this universe deadly seriously, which may occasionally put him at odds with what’s actually being presented on screen.

His hero form is “Battle Soldier”, as given to him by a scientist who often assists him in his journeys for opponents. In the context of our series, the Battle Soldier suit is a state of the art, strength enhancing combat suit. In our metafictional backstory, however, Battle Soldier is adapted from “Lovely Heart Princeman”, a limited run series about a flamboyant “prince” who would get into farcical situations while trying to woo his lady of the week. All of his monsters are absurd parodies of stereotypical things women enjoy on dates, while in our series they have been repurposed with awkwardly justified military pulp origins.

STUART- Stuart is the sole heir to the Fenghueng Temple’s Great Power, a mythical hero suit used by Shaolin Warriors for centuries. He’s also the only white dude in the temple, a fact nobody really seems to notice. He’s very ignorant of the outside world, with every episode usually finding him amazed by some mundane piece of technology. He has trouble portraying his emotions and will often misunderstand social conventions, which may lead to silly b-plots.

His hero form is the “Great Warrior”, as inherited in the opening episode so he can use it and prove his worth against Shaolin Shoobadoo. The Great Warrior is adapted from “Steel Quasar Galactor”, a science fiction series about a hero who battles various alien menaces. His monsters are, naturally, various science fiction creatures such as aliens, robots, etc. In our series, they have been redeveloped as the beasts of ancient legend and prophecy, often with Galactor footage repurposed into flashbacks of Stuart’s ancestors defeating 50’s robots centuries ago. Each ancestor has a different ethnicity.

MANDY- Mandy is a pizza delivery girl who often delivers to the Fenghueng Clan. Life has killed her. She has no further aspirations in life and tends to not be very surprised by anything. Much to her indifference, she gets thrown into Kreed and Stuart’s journey when a monster destroys her pizza place and she’s out of a job.

PROFESSOR BUBS- Professor Bubs is a WHAAAACKY professor in the vein of BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY or other completely absurd kid show scientists. His laboratory is often filled to the brim with vials and unrealistic, simplified computers. He’s the go to man for information on Kreed’s foes, which are often terrible beasts created during his days as head scientist of the terrorist organization M.U.R.D.E.R.

SIFU TEACHER- Sifu teacher heads the Fenghueng Temple and knows all the secrets of the Fenghueng Shaolin clan. Whenever a new ancient nemesis of the Shaolin reemerges, it will often be his wisdom that both enlightens us about the enemy and gives us the key to their defeat. He is, however, consistently implied to be psychologically abusive to his students via bizarre statements from Stuart and the maladjusted personalities of his other students.

FENGHUENG PUPILS- Various pupils at the school, including Kyoko (who has an innocent crush on Stuart) and Akira (who may be a serial killer).

AMELIA DASTARDLY- Amelia Dastardly is the current head of the terrorist organization M.U.R.D.E.R., inheriting it from her father Michael “Kittens” Dastardly. She has made it her life’s mission to conquer the world, and clad in a militant commander’s uniform she often makes a cold, strong impression on her flunkies. She doesn’t take no for an answer, unless that answer is a double negative.

MERLOX- Merlox is an ancient wizard who serves under Amelia Dastardly. Whenever she is unable to use one of M.U.R.D.E.R.’s engineered super soldiers, Merlox digs into his old spellbooks to find the ancient enemies of the Fenghueng clan. He is wise, but snooty. Because his suit comes right from Galactor, he is a cheap looking green alien in a space suit who everyone treats like a wizard.

EPISODES

“Destiny”- Kreed arrives after a ten year journey to the Fenghueng Temple, prepared to battle the heir of the Great Warrior that originally cursed him. Unfortunately, Stuart cannot TECHNICALLY be the Great Warrior until defeating Shaolin Shoobadoo, head of the Shaolin world. Kreed reluctantly aids Stuart on his quest to master his powers, which put them into conflict with two sinister enemies: BOMBER (a box of chocolates monster) and the BEHEMOTH (a UFO monster).

“Stuart: Portrait of a Man”- Stuart gets a job as a Wal-Mart greeter when they stop at a neighboring town. Kreed decides to go off and find a worthy opponent of his own, which disturbs the townspeople. These shenanigans only go so far until Kreed is incapacitated by our week’s monster, the HYDRAX (a planet with little moons on its rings), who then proceeds to attack the store.

“Battle Kreed”- While hitchhiking to the next city, Kreed and Stuart are picked up by an old war buddy of Kreed’s: DERATAX (a diamond ring monster). Kreed takes well to his old friend, but Stuart is suspicious…and for good reason, because according to Professor Bubs, he’s since become a subordinate of M.U.R.D.E.R.!

“The Ritual”- Stuart is one step closer to being worthy to battle Shaolin Shoobadoo when he visits another Fenghueng Temple in a far off town. However, in order to past this newest test, he has to survive on his own for twenty four hours…and ends up getting into battle with the BASILISK (

I should probably mention I didn’t actually finish writing it.

The Politics of Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny

There are always many claimants to a position of authority. Invariably, conflict will arise as parties clamoring for power fight, each believing they have been given the destiny to rule. You want a historical example of this? BOOM WAR OF THE ROSES BITCHES! Oh, but now you're complaining that Henry VI is too outdated for you to relate to? Well first off, screw you for not appreciating the glory that is having a war between two families because of, if I remember my history correctly, Charlie Rose interviewed the House of York instead of the House of Lancaster. Secondly, North Korea. Those sly little buggers are just absolutely convinced that someone out there gives a damn about their threats.

"I...I tried to do my hair nicely for you, USA-senpai."

So yeah, conflict is kind of a big deal in life. Hell, Sigmund Freud based his entire psychoanalytic theory on conflict. Conflict and penises, but since we try not to go into R-rated territory, we'll keep talking about conflict sans genitals. How can we expose children to conflict's escalation throughout the hierarchy of society? Such a complicated concept can't be easily ingrained into pop culture.  Or so you thought! Enter Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck!

I don't think Bugs and Daffy require any legitimate introduction, besides saying that if you need an introduction you never had a childhood. What did you do all day, play outside? Psh, loser! Daffy and Bugs represent the quintessential format of conflict that has been repeated through time immemorial, or at least whatever form of conflict can be manipulated into matching this post. Daffy and Bugs spent years struggling against each other for some type of control or attention, but if that was all the necessary criteria for this post my sister and I would be the best example.

 

Mom never paid attention, not even when
I intentionally snapped my own neck...

No, you see Daffy and Bugs are the prime example of a political power struggle thanks to their personalities and how they are shown in the conflict. Daffy Duck, in case you don't recall asinine children's cartoons like I do, was always intensely competitive about his supposed rivalry with Bugs Bunny, who was always flippant and nonchalant. Besides always upsetting me because holy Hell, why is the socially awkward guy with a lisp allowed to get absolutely wrecked every episode, this mirrors almost perfectly how these conflicts play out in real life. 

Though the historical Bugs destroyed the economy by
devoting all resources to carrot plantations. 

Let's consider the Daffy Duck side of the issue. Have you ever met someone that just refuses to pay you any heed? You try desperately to get their attention, but it feels like they're unaware you even exist. We all have, but let's scale that up from the individual to the size of a nation. For instance, we'll resume with North Korea because those jokes are always both easy and fun. North Korea wants to noticed more than anything else, craving the recognition of other countries as a major world player. However, just like your suave as shit older brother, the United States plays it cool and only notices North Korea when they strip naked, cover themselves in glitter paint, and start stabbing the dirt because, "it looked at me funny." Daffy Duck got some attention when he exploded, and so does North Korea, but hopefully not literally because they're kind of at the dirt-stabbing mode right now.

Bugs plays the authority figure, confident in his position. He knows that his power is secure because he knows it has been granted by a higher power. At least externally, he's cool as a cucumber that has been locked in a freezer and wears sunglasses and a leather jacket all the time. Damn, that's one cool sounding vegetable right there. Anyway, the Bugs persona has manifested itself countless times. He's Julius Caesar entering Rome having after the die was cast. He's Napoleon marching through Germany, having crowned himself Emperor. He's Bart Simpson prank-calling Moe's Tavern and asking for I. P. Freely, assured that Moe will never be able to find him and follow through on his threats to "cut [him] like a fish and drink [his] blood." Also, Moe is a psychopath. And so it goes on, with Bugs always playing it off, only furthering angering Daffy.

"That's it Bugs, I'm going to choke you with your own entrails
and offer your remains to the High Demon Beelzebub!"

And so it plays out again and again. In some depressing sense, aren't we all Daffy though? I mean, we spend this indeterminate period of time chasing after...something. Maybe a possible future or a lost past. Maybe fame or anonymity. Regardless, we just want it to be ours because we deserve it to be ours, but some jackass keeps coming along and taking it out from underneath our feet and he didn't even have to put any effort into it, whereas we've been trying for years. In an hour he charmed the girl you've been chasing for years, and you sit in the dark thinking about what could have been. You push yourself deeper into the self-loathing, just wishing that you could have had one more chance. One chance is all you needed to show the world your worth! But the asshole that is the world refused to give you even that. So there you sit, alone once again. Imagining that maybe in some parallel world, you have a family. A girlfriend and some young ones. Maybe the you in that world is happy. You can hope.

And you hope they don't wear pants either.

King of the Hill Z: Chapter Two

PAGE 1

Panel 1: We open in ARLEN, TEXAS, as NANCY GRIBBLE knocks on the door to HANK HILL’S HOUSE.

NANCY: Anybody home, sug?

Panel 2: Nancy waves, having opened the front door.

NANCY: Am I late?

Panel 3: On the couch is a disgruntled COTTON HILL and a happy BILL DAUTERIVE.

COTTON: Eh?

BILL: W-Woah, hey Nancy!

Panel 4: Cotton walks toward Nancy.

COTTON: Why the hell’re you coming along here and surprisin’ me?

COTTON: I killed fiddy men!

NANCY: Oh, Cotton…

PAGE 2

Panel 1: Nancy handing Cotton a six pack of beer.

NANCY: Maybe this’ll make up for it, sug.

COTTON: Yeah well…it’s a start!

Panel 2: Cotton chuckling.

COTTON: You didn’t need to go through the trouble.

COTTON: Why, maybe if you just slipped outta that top an-

Panel 3: THWAK.

Panel 4: Irritated Nancy, Cotton rubbing his head.

NANCY: Eh…don’t push your luck, sug.

COTTON: Eh, who needs ya?

Panel 5: Hank’s truck driving toward the house.

PAGE 3

Panel 1: Bill with Cotton and Nancy.

BILL: S-So Nancy, where’s Dale?

Panel 2: Focus on an annoyed Nancy.

NANCY: Oh, I don’t even know!

NANCY: Something about mind control serum in our tap water.

Panel 3: More Nancy talk.

NANCY: I’m sure he’ll come to his senses and head on over.

Panel 4: Nancy standing in front of Bill.

NANCY: Enough about him, where’s Lenore?

BILL:….She’s just going on a trip. She’ll come back.

Panel 5: Hank and Bobby in the truck.

HANK: Almost home, son!

PAGE 4

Panel 1: Junichiro’s car speeding through Arlen.

Panel 2: Junichiro, driving.

JUNICHIRO:  That power level is moving quickly.

JUNICHIRO: But you won’t get away from me, Hank.

Panel 3: Hank and Bobby getting out of the car.

Panel 4: Focus on Hank.

HANK: Hey!

Panel 5: Nancy stepping outside.

NANCY: There you are, sug!

PAGE 5

Panel 1: Junichiro inside his car, determined.

JUNICHIRO: It finally stopped!

JUNICHIRO: He’s close!

Panel 2: Hank waving, Bobby beside him.

HANK: Hello, everybody.

Panel 3: Nancy and Bill on the porch.

NANCY: Hey there, sug!

BILL: H-Hey, Hank!

Panel 4: Nancy and Bill approach Hank.

NANCY: I guess we can get going, right?

BILL: Are you gonna start grilling?

HANK: Nope.

PAGE 6

Panel 1: Cotton, Bill, and Nancy have exaggerated animu reactions.

ALL: WHAAAT?

Panel 2: Hank calm, with Bobby, patting his shoulder.

HANK: Today is the day my boy starts grilling. Right son?

BOBBY: I’m gonna be a Propane Man!

Panel 3: They all look down at Bobby.

NANCY: Well…alright then.

Panel 4: Happy Cotton.

COTTON: Good! He’ll probably do better than you do!

Panel 5: Nice conversational group shot.

HANK: Ugh…dad…

COTTON: Now now, I don’t want any cryin’! I wanna see Bobby make me some burgers!

PAGE 7

Panel 1: Bill approaches Hank and Bobby.

BILL: You think he’s got the grillin’ genes?

HANK: Boy, I hope so.

Panel 2: Focus on Hank.

HANK: I know he has it in him.

HANK: But Peggy thinks we should “support his comedy.”

Panel 3: Bill, Bobby, and Hank.

BILL: Really? Wow, that’s disappointing.

HANK: Yes…Peggy says that Bobby is “creative” and that this should be encouraged and grilling shouldn’t be forced on him.

Panel 4: Cotton focus.

COTTON: Yeah, well, that explains why we don’t listen to women!

Panel 5: Hank rubs his forehead.

HANK: Ah, gatdangit dad…

PAGE 8

Panel 1: Hank goes upright in attention.

Panel 2: He turns his head, startled.

Panel 3: Everyone gets around Hank.

BILL: H-Hey Hank, what’s wrong…?

HANK: There’s…somethin’..

Panel 4: Bill looks to the distance.

BILL: Well gee, Hank, I don’t get what you mean-

Panel 5: Angry Hank.

HANK: GAT DANGIT, BILL, THE STRONGEST DANG POWER LEVEL IS COMING OVER HERE AND I DON’T KNOW WHO IT IS!

PAGE 9

Panel 1: Hank points down the street.

HANK: There!

Panel 2: Junichiro’s car races down the street.

Panel 3: Nancy, Bill, and Cotton look at it.

Panel 4: Hank’s face is fundamentally upset.

Panel 5: The car parks.

PAGE 10

Panel 1: Junichiro stands in front of everyone.

Panel 2: Close up on Junichiro’s face.

Panel 3: Hank’s confused face.

PAGE 11

Panel 1: Focus on standing Junichiro.

JUNICHIRO: My my, Hank Hill, it seems that you’ve grown up.

JUNICHIRO: But you can’t shake the resemblance to your awful father.

Panel 2: Hank and Bill, both confused.

HANK: The hell are you talking about?

BILL: Hank, he looks just like you!

Panel 3: Focus on irritated Junichiro.

JUNICHIRO: You were supposed to introduce clean burning, efficient energy to Arlen.

JUNICHIRO: And I see you waste your time with worthless parties.

JUNICHIRO: What is the meaning of this?

Panel 4: Bill walks toward Junichiro, scolding him.

BILL: Now you listen here, Hank’s the best dang propane salesman I’ve ever seen!

BILL: So why don’t you just run along and go home, Mr. Not Hank!

Panel 5: Angry Hank.

HANK: GODDAMNIT, BILL, GET OUT OF THERE!

PAGE 12

Panel 1: Junichiro smacks Bill with great power, wearing a metallic glove.

Panel 2: Bill lands right into the wall of the house.

Panel 3: Screaming Hank.

HANK: BUAAAAGH!

PAGE 13

Panel 1: Bill crying in the hole he made in the house.

Panel 2: Angry Hank.

HANK: Oh, I am gonna KICK YER ASS…!!!

Panel 3: BUAAAGH face Hank.

Panel 4: Shocked Nancy and Cotton.

Panel 5: Focus on Junichiro with his metallic hand.

DIALOG: A ROBOT…?!

King of the Hill Z: Chapter One

PAGE 1

Panel 1:  In ARLEN, TEXAS, JIMMY WICHARD is rummaging through the garbage in an alleyway.

Panel 2: Jimmy picks up some cans.

JIMMY: Cans...cans, I want more cans.

Panel 3: As Jimmy rummages, he hears something.

SFX: RRRRMMM…

Panel 4: He looks over at the source of the noise.

JIMMY: YOU WANT MY CANS?!

PAGE 2

Panel 1: A very nice Japanese car drives by.

Panel 2: Jimmy watches it go off.

JIMMY: EUGH?!

Panel 3: Close up on disgruntled Jimmy.

JIMMY: Car went past my alley.

Panel 4: Jimmy runs to follow the car.

JIMMY: MY alley.

PAGE 3

Panel 1: The car is parked at a grocery store.

JIMMY: Who’s doin’ this…?

Panel 2: Jimmy closely inspects the car.

JIMMY: Who wants my alley…?

Panel 3: Car door opens.

Panel 4: Jimmy’s inquisitive face, as much as he’s capable of it.

PAGE 4

Panel 1: JUNICHIRO, the half-Japanese brother of HANK HILL, steps out of the car.

Panel 2: He closes the door.

Panel 3: He walks forward, as if inspecting the area around him. We see Jimmy Wichard from behind, who’s stumbling backward.

Panel 4: Jimmy, disgruntled.

Panel 5: Focus on Junichiro.

JUNICHIRO: It seems the supposed proficiency of propane has not given this town much in the way of progress.

JUNICHIRO: To be expected from…Hank.

PAGE 5

Panel 1: Junichiro stands tall.

Panel 2: Jimmy approaches Junichiro, with a gun.

JIMMY: H-Hey! Why you coming around my alley?!

Panel 3: Junichiro’s face, as his glasses analyze Jimmy.

JUNICHIRO: Hmm. Quite a low power level.

Panel 4: Jimmy points the gun, is basically crazy.

JIMMY: YOU TELL ME WHY.

Panel 5: Jimmy fires the gun.

Panel 6: Junichiro catches the bullet.

PAGE 6

Panel 1: Junichiro holds the bullet between his finger and thumb.

Panel 2: Jimmy is terrified.

JIMMY: NEUGH! NEUGH!

Panel 3: Junichiro flicks the bullet.

Panel 4: Jimmy is knocked back by the bullet quite dramatically.

Panel 5: Junichiro looks toward Jimmy’s body, now on the ground.

JUNICHIRO: Hm, so much for clean burning efficiency.

Panel 6: Junichiro looks to the side as his glasses blink and analyze.

PAGE 7

Panel 1: Arlen through the lens of the scouter-glasses.

JUNICHIRO: A much greater power level far off…

Panel 2: Junichiro, surprised.

JUNICHIRO: Hank?!

Panel 3: Junichiro’s car, driving off.

Panel 4: Establishing shot of NINE RIVERS COUNTRY CLUB.

PAGE 8

Panel 1: KAHN, TED WASANASONG, and OTHERS all dressed in golf attire. Kahn is very proud of himself.

KAHN: Haha! Hole in one! Hole in one!

TED: Quite good, Kahn. Keep up this sort of showing and you’ll be a permanent fixture here.

KAHN: Oh, thank you so much, Ted Wasanaso-

Panel 2: Kahn notices something and is perturbed.

Panel 3: Ted inquires.

TED: Kahn, what’s wrong?

KAHN: Someone’s coming!

Panel 4: Kahn looks off into the distance.

KAHN: I swear to god if it’s that stupid redneck Hank Hill…!

Panel 5: Junichiro’s car coming toward them.

Panel 6: Kahn’s face, surprised.

KAHN: Wait, no! No!

PAGE 9

Panel 1: Junichiro steps out of his car.

Panel 2: Focus on standing Junichiro.

JUNICHIRO: Hm, you are not Hank.

Panel 3: Upset Kahn.

KAHN: Hell no, I’m not Hank Hill! But it sure seems like you are! What are you doing here?

Panel 4: Junichiro standing across from Kahn.

JUNICHIRO: My business is not with you.

KAHN: THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

PAGE 10

Panel 1: Junichiro presses on the side of his glasses.

JUNICHIRO: You are…quite unruly.

Panel 2: Kahn being analyzed by the scouter. The Wasanasongs and others behind him.

JUNICHIRO: Stronger than I expected, too. But not as strong as me.

Panel 3: They stand across from each other, Kahn being angry.

KAHN: WHAT? You come here and do nothing but talk big about your redneck power level! Get out of here!

JUNICHIRO: Maybe I should.

Panel 4: Junichiro, smirking.

Panel 5: Angry Kahn, with Ted Wasanasong beside him.

TED: Now Kahn…if he is so confident, perhaps you should show him the true power of the Nine Rivers Country Club…if you think you’re up to it.

Panel 6: Kahn looks at Junichiro.

KAHN: He thinks he can get me…?

PAGE 11

Panel 1: Kahn is screaming, launching a powerful energy blast from his palm.

Panel 2: With Kahn still in battle position, Junichiro takes the blast head on and still standing straight.

PAGE 12

Panel 1: Junichiro stands in the smoke of the blast, unharmed.

Panel 2: Junichiro has his hand up to his face, as if coughing lightly.

JUNICHIRO: Your energy is very volatile, but does not burn cleanly. Good for…rowdy cowboy American Fourth of July.

Panel 3: Kahn, astonished.

Panel 4: Junichiro raises his arm, preparing to charge some energy.

JUNICHIRO: Let me show you a more efficient alternative.

PAGE 13

Panel 1: Junichiro’s glasses blink with new analysis.

Panel 2: Junichiro looks to the distance.

JUNICHIRO: An even greater power level?

Panel 3: Junichiro gets into his car.

Panel 4: Junichiro checks his GPS.

JUNICHIRO: Hmm…west of here.

Panel 5: Junichiro turns his ignition key.

JUNICHIRO: The greatest power level in Arlen…could it be anyone other than Hank Hill?!

Panel 6: His car drives off.

PAGE 14

Panel 1: Kahn stands there as the Nine Rivers golfers look at him. Ted isn’t pleased.

TED: Well, Kahn, that was certainly a hole in one, wasn’t it?

Panel 2: Kahn gets on his hands and knees, exhausted.

KAHN: How…how did a stupid redneck…

Panel 3: Close up on Kahn’s anguish.

KAHN: …not even get hurt by me?

Panel 4: Junichiro drives in his car, determined.

JUNICHIRO: We will see just how clean burning and efficient your powers really are…Hank Hill!!!