Anime is Satan

In high school, I had aspirations of being a stand up comedian. I even did a set at my school and got a great reaction. I love many comedians and though not all of them are iconic, many of them are superb. Kyle Cease, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt, etc. That specific brand. It's a great brand. It's all great funny.

But of all the comedians I love, I love none moreso than the troupe known as Stella.

The Stella comedy troupe produced the eponymous Stella television series, based on the Stella Shorts they would play at their shows. I will say, with no reservations, that Stella is the greatest television comedy to ever air. Cancelled after its measly ten episode first season, its brilliance makes it somewhat like a much less famous, comedy version of Firefly: a show murdered before its time and loved dearly by those who saw it. I saw Stella back in high school, cherishing the TV Guide preview DVD containing the pilot episode (a different cut from the aired pilot, no less! Losing that disc is one of my biggest regrets in nerd life) like it was a holy scripture, even going so far to peddle it to my math teacher at the time. I may've rarely understood what he talked about, but we at least understood one thing: the comedy stylings of Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, and David Wain were in a league of their own. Whether you loved it or hated it, it was unlike anything that had come before or after.

And part of what makes Stella brilliant is its incredibly eclectic diversity in both comedy and comedic disciplines. The show would ebb and flow from sophomoric fart noises to precision literary references. Absurdist plots that always had their own underlying logic to them. If you tell the guys they're not qualified to clean up donkey poop, they will outdo you at your workplace and impress your boss with skills beyond his expectations not only so they got your job but so you'd know they're good enough to clean up donkey poop specifically. A world where fake mustaches are always effective disguises. Where running gags aren't just gags, but are actually jokes based on the recurring importance of actual character traits. And, of course, a world where a suit is the perfect set of clothes for any occasion.

Stella has had many derivative products (Wainy Days, Michael and Michael Have Issues, and the recent You're Whole). All of them are fantastic in their own right, but none of them truly hold a candle to Stella. It is, by far, how I see comedy. It's not just a collection of jokes, it is a series of jokes told via narrative all told to their specific styles. Stella is a precisely honed, multi-disciplined comedy series and I never get tired of it. If Gargoyles is the show that I can point to to express why I truly love cartoons, Stella is the show I can point to to express why I love comedy. It is pure laughter intelligently composed, and laughter is the best medicine.

WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF FUCKING AIDS

I've sat here for ten goddamn minutes.
There's no witty caption. I just fucking hate this.

I thought it was only proper that, since I skimped out on observing the Hellscape that is anime for a while, that I should step back in for a moment and punish myself. Since another contributor to this site suggested Rock Lee and his Ninja Pals, I have concluded that he is an anti-Semite.

Without further adieu, let's dive in to:

Rock Lee and His Ninja Pals, or the Justification of Homicide

Spin offs are a tricky business. In general, a character needs to be able to sustain his own story. This sounds obvious, but it clearly fucking isn't. Sarah Jane Smith has three spin offs to her name, all with distinct premises and all of them capable of producing a large amount of stories about her different life stages. Angel, the vampire with a soul, was perfect spin off fodder because of how larger than life he was. He simply couldn't FIT on the same show with Buffy after a certain point. It's not that he didn't fit, he just metaphysically COULDN'T. Though not long lasting, Joey Tribbiani was given a spin off because he had the most room to grow out of all the Friends. Frasier Crane had a potent life beyond the bar. Etc.

On paper, Rock Lee probably has more spin off potential than most other characters. Unlike the others, he possesses no ninja powers and thus can sustain a unique premise independent of Naruto Uzumaki. His challenges are distinct and to craft a cast around Rock Lee, not to mention many nemeses for his adventures, would give you a truly interesting series. Even if slanted as a comedy, which is just as difficult as and can be just as potent as drama, Rock Lee is probably the major choice for his own series. He has far more to do, independent of the rest of the Naruto world, than any other character. Not to mention that the classically inept protagonist is always fertile ground for comedy. There's no way this could truly go wrong.

Except it's fucking Naruto so it's so possible it was guaranteed, which is why reading the first chapter of the manga on a lark was genuinely painful. Though it didn't stop there given the internet's suggestion and I must say: I only finished one episode.  I would not sit through even three hours of this shit even if you paid me. What the fucking shit? I really don't want to bring myself to That Guy With The Glasses level of vitriol but what the fucking shit? This is the worst Japanese kid's comedy I've seen since Go-Onger (meaning I am of the rare percentile that both writes on a blog, has watched Go-Onger, but has not been killed by people superior to myself). It's not even comedy. Even basic structural problems damn it.

But before I get into anything else, is there something about Naruto continuity I don't totally understand? Granted, I haven't seen Shippuden and it's clearly based in the Shippuden portion of the series but...why the fuck isn't Neji an asshole? I remember Neji being an asshole. Did the jump to Shippuden make him not douchey? Because you're gonna tell me with a straight face that you have a ridiculously inept protagonist and you're not going to make one of his supporting characters a foil? YOU HAVE AN ELITIST PRODIGY IN YOUR FUCKING CAST. Also, maybe it's just me, but I don't remember Tenten being important at all or having any personality. You'd think you'd want a spin off to expand it, but it turns out Tenten is the most insufferable character in this massive piece of shit.

And speaking of,

Well that's...honest.

There's this recurring joke in the first short about how like, there's poop. AND RUH ROOH ROCK LEE'S GONNA TRIIIIP.

Let's back up.

Consistency is an important element of comedy. Not running gags per se, but consistency. Like drama, a comedic story must have a world that is well built and makes sense. Even if your world is absurd, it must be absurd in a consistent way. The only consistent structuring in this stupid thing is the fact that there is POOOOOOOPY and Rock Lee trips over it all the time (and the last time, he ends up depantsing a lady! COMEDY.) The logic of the world of Stella or Heat Vision and Jack is dubious, but it IS logic. It presents itself a boundary. Jokes are funny within a specific context. You tell jokes that're relevant to the situation. If you're a stand up comedian, you use storytelling to CREATE the situation. If you're writing a story, you tell jokes within the frames of the narrative.

And this is key: you need a proper dynamic. Jokes need to bounce off of something to be funny. The key to narrative comedy comes in the form of the archetypal Straight Man. The joke is always on the Straight Man. The Straight Man is there to ground your entire story into some form of reality that can be warped by the other principal character (or characters). People like to think the Straight Man just thinks everyone is dumb or they're the only intelligent person in the room. That CAN be true, but is not always true nor is it the most important part. Say it with me, class: the Straight Man grounds the situation into reality. Nothing taught me this lesson better than the many sketch comedies I watched growing up when I was far too young to watch them. Saturday Night Live, Kids in the Hall, Mr. Show with Bob and David, take your pick. Many sketches begin in a normal environment destined to be destroyed by the central hook or gag.

The Straight Man exists to have his life disrupted. He exists as a point of reference. He is context. Tenten, by contrast, is a stupid fucking bitch.

My favorite attempt at making Tenten effective probably comes from the first short. When they're enjoying tea with the girl they're trying to protect, Tenten questions the absurdity of their own world by wondering if they even HAVE electricity or TV! Moments later, the protectorate rejects Rock Lee's romantic advances because "This isn't some sort of sappy romance drama!" Just so we're clear on what I'm bitching about: the show makes a point to express its self-titled Straight Man having doubts about the existence of electricity only for this to be confirmed just a few lines later. Your entire basis in reality has no grasp on reality.

And before one of you tries to be an intelligent jackass (you're not), no, this isn't the basis of a joke. Tenten literally just exists to arbitrarily question things while also get really meta and comment on the fact she's a Straight Man. She literally has no other personality beyond thinking things are stupid. Things she doesn't understand; not out of irony, but out of terrible scripting.

SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH YOU BUTTSLUTTY JUNKWHORE.

I can't describe how much I hate Tenten. She is like the Abridged-style of writing condensed into a single character. Someone who took an incredibly basic format that EVERYONE knows the bullshit behind and proceeded to structure an entire sequence of jokes around shit PEOPLE ALREADY KNOW. Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged is slack-jawed laziness composed out of explaining to you a character's narrative function and thus a story must proceed as such.

I FUCKING HATE META-HUMOR. I fucking hate this bullshit where people will take the most basic fucking fictional things and shatter every conceit within said fiction and then the entire joke is that they shattered them. No real comment on the shattering. Just "LOOK GUYS, I'M ACKNOWLEDGING THAT CARTOONS AREN'T REAL." Everyone who likes Abridged Humor can eat my fucking cock. You're the reason this shit is passable. You're the fucking reason Tenten, an abortion of everything that could be considered good at any conceivable point in time, is able to bitch that fantasies IN AN ABSURDIST COMEDY, WHEN SHE DOESN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE BASIC ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF CIVLIZATION, aren't "in-universe." Congrats, your bullshit love of nerdisms has now transcended into actual published fiction and it's just as fucking terrible as when you did it on TV Tropes or Tumblr or whatever fucking stupid site you get your ass licked on. There is no value in EXPLAINING OR BEING SKEPTICAL OF BASIC FUCKING THINGS. Most meta-humor is just standing up and saying "LIES AREN'T TRUE."

I truly hate this character. There's a scene where

IMMA RENEGADE SO FUCK THE LEAF VILLAGE.

And Tenten has to point out that it's absurd Rock Lee is in a bikini. Neji then asks him how long he's worn said bikini. Tenten then just becomes FLABBERGHASTED that THAT'S the question on Neji's mind. Really?! You want to know that, Neji? You want to know the SAME FUCKING THING TENTEN DOES?

I HATE THIS FUCKING WHORE.

I couldn't believe it. Really. Your script is so fucking terrible that your arbitrary Straight Man questions someone questioning the exact thing she just questioned with no hint of irony. This is bad. All bad. Nothing has any frame of reference so it's like a small child repeatedly shouting at you. It's that RANDOM XD shit that festers amateur bullshit that gain so much following. This is every Abridged series ever.

When the world finishes bathing in fire, it will be the face of Rock Lee in his gorgeous bikini that will sing the song to end the Earth.

We will soon return to our regularly scheduled hard hitting, in depth analysis of our greater cultures. But sometimes, there is a need for catharsis.