Accepting Reality with Zach Braff

Living is no more a sin than dying, and anyone who says differently is caught in a trap of overly idealistic dogma condemning them to a fruitless endeavor of what may best be called an empty shell of potential life. Sorry if that bursts your bubble and sends you spiraling downwards into a life of depression and methamphetamines and botched alley abortions, but then again you probably should be basing life philosophies on some random blog. Also, you deserve all those bad things to happen in your life.

Oh, I'm sorry, did that sound cruel? Good. It was meant to sound cruel. Also, I'm not sorry. Also, I lied when I told you you were pretty. That's right, you were fat in your prom dress. Look, this blog isn't here to sugar coat anything, which is why we publish articles like Yo Gabba Gabba and the Horrors of Communism. Instead, we're here to expose the truth about why your life sucks, and one of our biggest allies comes from Hollywood famous man Zach Braff. That's right, random white actor #96512 completely backs what we do here!

Zach Braff, seen here being white

You see, Mr. Braff knows what's up in the world. He understands that you having an awful life is your own damn fault. He comprehends that it's all worth it because at least one person is laughing at your pain, and yes it's probably him laughing about how much you suck. How is it clear that Zachary Braff's ideology is right in the fact that it fits in with what this post is about? Easy, Zach Braffery is a prolific speaker, eloquently stating his positions on matters in such a clear manner that even you can understand them.

Give this man all the Cabinet positions. All. Of. Them

Just look at that quote. Look at that and try to tell me there isn't some deeper meaning. You can't! And not just because you can't talk to people through a computer screen, idiot. The Honorable Braff delves deep into the lives we all lead, understanding that maybe we kill a few puppies now and then to drink their blood as sustenance, but that doesn't automatically condemn us as terrible people. In fact, not drinking their life-giving fluids would be the crime here! The joys in life coming from living, and also from sometimes being El Chupacabra.

But you see, Braff, the Great and Powerful not only speaks to the current times with messages about clean energy. He speaks of so much more, and everything he says is so weighty with meaning and substance that we may be forced to devote the next 6 months purely to analyzing a single quote.

He can speak toward the core of any person's life, including my own:

It's like he knows me.

The insight pierces through all of the secrets and lies we secrete into pies during our worthless suburban lives. We believe everything to be cloaked in mystery, even human torment, but Take Zach, Rewind it Braff can see that the pain we feel and realize it is that pain that is a true illusion. Prejudice, darkness, and hatred? Perhaps it is natural. Perhaps, just perhaps, it is that nature of hatred that enlightens us and provides us with true joy.

It may sound like this is getting dark (and that gets me hot), but there's no darkness here. Just realizing that only one man knows the true key to happiness and can admit the truths we are too afraid to grasp. Like nubile, plump teenagers meeting our first guidance counselors, we are not willing to embrace what we are told by our more informed elders that this is what we want. But Zach Attack knows.

"Hatred is the opiate of the Godhead."
-Zach Braff, on adoption

It is suggested that every man, woman, child, and pregnant teenager on Maury take a moment to peruse the wisdom of Zach Braff. What he says is not always pleasant to hear (and it is only so because, as established, you are just the worst), but it is always what we SHOULD hear. Without Zach "Hister" Braff, we would be aimless and roaming the mortal coil as if we had some sort of purpose, value, or meaning. But with the Demozachric Republic of Braff, we can at least be comforted by the fact that our state of inferiority means that there is one who must, therefore, be superior. That man, of course, is Zachtacular "Great on Average" Braff.

And I now vouch for him, publicly, so all haberdashers (eclectic or otherwise) to hear, listen, and support his wisdom. While it may be difficult, at first, to accept that you are all basically terrible, you will soon be comforted knowing that someone out there is busy being incredible for you. There is no longer any need for hopes, dreams, or ambitions. Rest, guys. Our guardian angel has it covered.

"We should probably get around to legalizing forced sodomy."
-Zach Braff, on legalizing forced sodomy.