Disarmed at Last!

The world needs a hero now more than ever. Between North Korea acting like that bitchy 8th grade girl Suzy that wanted you to ask her to the winter formal and polar bear schools being shot up by crazy gunmen with high cholesterol, it's all going to shit. The news can only report the bad because that's all there is to report.

Or so you thought. But there is in fact a hero out there, created to teach us the valuable lessons that Ms. Johnson never could because she was so busy blaming us for poking Suzy with a sharpened pencil because fuck Suzy. That hero is indeed out there. He exists. He has a name. He is Arm Fall Off Boy!!!

And ladies, that's not all he can detach...

And yes, we understand the immediate reaction is to swoon at the pure manliness, but try to keep your panties drier than when Suzy told the whole class you peed yourself. Arm Fall Off Boy is all man, all the time, but with that touch of boyish good looks and lack of limbs to win over your parents! And not only is Arm Fall Off Boy the most charming person since Albert Fish, but he's also an expert strategist. I bet you, like some second rate 31st century villain named Sucky Suzy, thought that his arm would detach right at those ridges between yellow and orange. Instead, he tricks you and gives himself 2 extra inches to beat the everloving evil out of you. That's strategy that would make Napoleon make 3 inches taller (but not vertically). 

Know what else is in that strategy? A life lesson about the evils of segregation. Why separate the yellow and orange when you can keep them together. E Pluribus Unum, and this unum is gonna get shoved straight up your ass  if you don't stop being evil, just like that really dark tape that you swore with your friend you'd never discuss in public. Arm Fall Off Boy understands that he's a public figure that is looked up to, with the possibility of being a pariah if he slips up, so he decides to make a powerful statement. My God, this man is the Rosa Parks of the 31st Century, but with less sitting and more ass whooping with detached legs.

Legs that are made of freaking rocks apparently

Want to know what else is great about Arm Fall Off Boy, besides everything? He's quite obviously a grown man. Many others in his situation wouldn't have kept going with their dream of joining a team of super-powered teenagers, but Arm Fall Off Boy keeps his vaguely pedophilic aspirations going, refusing to believe that tearing yourself limb from limb isn't advantageous to the criminal masterminds trying to do the exact same thing, but in a more convoluted way. He's a gentleman above all else, with manners that MegaBitch Suzy never possessed. He sees the desperation in the evil-doers actions and pities them, so he just maims himself to give them some hope of possible victory. Then he goes pop pop to watch them motherfuckers drop, yo. The pity's all an illusion, just like the villain's hopes of victory. Arm Fall Off Boy may keep his boyish name and hopes, but he's got the resolute justice of a noose. A noose made of justice!

Justice Noose: Coming this fall to FOX

Arm Fall Off Boy isn't just some man that can teat through the muscle and bones of his own body. He's a hero like no other, willing to constantly maim himself for the good of the innocent civilian. He will PLORP his arm off and KRAK it against a table all day if it means even one life saved or one day rooming with teenagers draped in spandex. I'm not saying Arm Fall Off Boy should be knighted; I'm asking why he hasn't been elected King yet, and not in some rigged election like when Suzy won class president because she bribed everyone with Snickers. Just try and see Arm Fall Off Boy as greater than the sum of his limbs and you'll know the truth. The only thing this man could've never detach from himself? His heart.